Struggling But Still on Track

So it’s been pretty quiet around this blog lately. It’s been a very busy few months. Thankfully, work has somewhat quieted down, so I’m able to take a breath and reflect on a lot of things.

April was tough. I struggled with my hip issues again, which meant a big slow down on the exercise front and frequent chiropractor visits. I also struggled emotionally as the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my father approached. Just when I thought I had gotten through the worst of the grieving, it’s come back around and smacked me down again, and it’s not going to end any time soon. May 19th would have been my dad’s 62nd birthday. I’m already feeling the heaviness of the day. My dad, or the subject his death, has been showing up in my dreams pretty much every night for weeks. Last night I was just crying non-stop in my dreams. That doesn’t really set the tone for a good day, let me tell you. The most frustrating part is that I catch myself thinking that I should be over it by now and that if anyone has the right to still be grieving it’s my brother who was with him when he drowned. I keep thinking I should be stronger, less emotional. I feel guilty for feeling sad. It makes no sense and yet it’s what I’ve been feeling.

On top of all that, my mom is dealing with lots of health issues herself – all of which are caused by her diabetes. I really cannot deal with losing another parent any time soon, so I find that I’m keeping her at arm’s length and really distancing myself. I feel bad about it when I realize what I’m doing, but it seems to be my instinct right now. And I find myself feeling pretty angry with her because of all of the things that are happening most likely could have been prevented if she had just gone to seen an endocrinologist like I’ve been begging her to do for the past few years.

On the more positive side, though, I’ve still managed to lose a few more pounds despite the drop in Zumba workouts. My eating has been on track and I’ve been taking lots of walks with my husband, R. Last week we decided to try out a yoga and Pilates studio in our neighborhood. We have a three week unlimited membership which we’ve been enjoying so far.  It’s so nice to spend some work out time together. I can’t wait to try out the hot yoga class! Look for a report soon!

 

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